Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
