when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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