It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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