ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
