I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
