she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
