So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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