she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
