This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
