Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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