I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
