I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We have started to decorate penises.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
