The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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