when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
