Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
