and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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