He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
