the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
