i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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