I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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