very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
