First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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