I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
