Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize