Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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