How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
