Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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