Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
