FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
