he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize