How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
