why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he wants to bone in the snuggie
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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