she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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