she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
