Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
