hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I got her a Nickelback box set.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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