My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
