upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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