About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
