Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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