I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
why is half of my head shaved?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
