I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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