i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
