what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
