Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize