We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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