when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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