Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
