How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
