No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
