did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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