Buhtt sex?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
