there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
