Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
