I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
