i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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