You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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