Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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