Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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